by Aubrey Boggs, CMWN Intern
Content note: suicidal ideation, discussion of feeling suicidal
Once upon a time my life appeared to be in shambles and I was having difficulty finding reasons to stay alive. I felt worthless and empty and went through months of feeling suicidal every single day. I won’t go into much detail about that portion of my life, though, because I wrote this to share the hope I found in continuing to live.
It wasn’t easy at first, but I knew I wanted to try just a little bit harder. I was lucky enough to have friends who understood, and who cared about me enough to keep reaching out to me and loving me when I pushed them away and tried to retreat from the world completely. I had been through other periods of depression without those friends though, and I had survived. Remembering that gave me even more hope, because that hope came from inside me. Day by day I found that I was glad to still be alive, even on the difficult and painful days, and the beauty of the world around me gave me more and more reasons to live.
I realized that even though I was lucky enough to have these friends who helped me find recovery, I could not depend on them to keep me alive, I had to find my innate worth and passion for life on my own.
The last 10 years of my life haven’t been the easiest, but I have made it mission to find another reason to live every day. That list is so extensive after all those years that it provides me with endless arguments for hope even when my brain is working it’s hardest to challenge the peace I have found in recovery and wellness. Since it is Suicide Prevention Month, I’d like to share some of my reason with you. Remember, you are not alone and your life matters.
Reasons to keep going:
- Everything changes
- There will be new art, new music, and new books tomorrow, and every day after that
- I might meet someone interesting or kind tomorrow
- The sky is so beautiful
- Recovery is real
- There are people who love me
- I love my pets
- There are so many things I haven’t tried and places I haven’t been
- I am strong, I can keep going
- I still want to see the Aurora Borealis
- I might feel differently tomorrow than I do now
- Nothing lasts forever, this pain won’t last forever
- I want to see the sun rise again
- I want to see the sunset many more times
- I want to wake up next to my husband
- I want more hugs
- I want to learn more, there is still so much I don’t know
- I deserve to live
- I am worthwhile
- There is no one else exactly like me
- I am unique and amazing
- I am not alone